Thursday, May 13, 2010

On being Lonely

Have you ever experienced lonliness? Ofcourse we all would have, right? At different points  in our lives. For the longest time I have been struggling with loneliness. Even as a little girl, I remember being lonely. Then it got worse during the teens. I am a people's person. I like being out and about , making friends, having someone over for a meal or just visiting a friend. But through my twenties and untill now, lonliness has seeped in to my very being. It sits there, just like that, in my heart. And now it feels quite physical too. Dont mistake it for discontentment though. I am happy with life. I am happy with the choices I have made so far and have no regrets. But this lonliness doesn't leave me alone! I do have some really good friends in different parts of the world. In Dubai, I have a girl friend too. She is close to me, a believer and a lovely human being. But she doesn't touch my soul as a soul mate-girlfriend sorta get me? I adore her. We spend a lot of time together and dont keep secrets. But I am lonely with her too.

Then there is hubster. I am a truly besotted wife/lover. He is my soul mate in the true romantic/mushy kinda way. For quite a while I have been co-dependant. It feels as if I wont be able to even breathe without him. There is this constant longing and that achy-with-love feeling. It makes me feel suffocated actually. So I have prayed about it because to be honest, I dont think he feels it so bad!  I dont know if  my prayer for relief has been answered yet. It is a strange prayer after all. I need to get relief from feeling so intensly about him because it eats me up inside out. I dont want to idolise him. He cannot/must not become my idol. And loving him this way has made me more lonely. Hubster is not a man given to much display of emotions. He does not demand, he just takes his space and blocks out stuff as and when he wants to. Including me. And that hurts, big time. This is when loneliness strikes even in my relationship with him, the love of my life. I cannot reach his depths because he wont let me. That makes me feel oh so lonely.

I thought becoming a mother will change things. It did not! It has gotten worse infact! I find mothering and being a full time mamma a very isolating experience. I must confess, even though I love my baby desperatly, there are times I resent the whole deal. And sadly enough, I dont even know why the resentment. The boredom. The sheer drudgery. The feeling that it is only me he can turn to for his needs is suffocating . I know mommies love being needed. I do too 99% of the times. But the rest of it- exhausts me. Ironically enough, I truly feel and am convinced God enabled my marriage and motherhood to fulfill my need to give love. To live and breathe it over someone. But I hadn't expected it to lead me to even more loneliness. I assumed I would be happy to be generous.

All this leads me to ask, what about me then? What will fulfill me? Who will take away my lonliness? Or what will? I know a decade back before I became a christian, I had a God shaped void in my heart. Then He filled it with himself. WHich has led to a deeply soul satisfying contentment. So then, am I wrong in saying I am lonely? Is loneliness and dis-contentment (with life) the same thing? I am happy but I am it possible? I dont know it yet, but that's exactly how I feel. Have felt it for so long now.

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