Friday, May 28, 2010

Go Away!

I know, bit of a vague title for the post but then given my unfortunate tendency of suddenly going missing for long-longer-longest period from around here, it is the best I could come up with to tell you all thats been happening . (This is a long sentence and even I dont know what I mean..anyways.) I drafted some really cute Yohaan-centric posts to regale you my dear readers but all sorts of things happened and I could not get any time to visit my own blog, leave alone post new stuff.

I was in the throes of excercising and dieting and losing weight. Then one day, I tripped on the doormat (how do such things happen to me, please dont ask or even wonder). I (think) injured the muscles of my inner-right-thigh. By late evening I had developed the mother- of- all Sciatica kind of pain. It orginated somewhere in my bum and went right down my legs. For the next two days, I promise you, the pain was so bad that I almost started wishing back for my c-sec pain guys! I was just lying flat on the bed, in sheer agony, crying tears of panic and anxiety because it seemed so unreal! I could not sneeze,cough,laugh (although why would I want to laugh in such a situation is beyond me), turn to my sides. Hubster decided at that very moment to give me the inquisition. How? Why? How long? As if I fell on purpose! Was it a sneaky way of keeping him home all day? As if! It is eight years of you now being glued to me, get over yourself, is what I wanted to scream at him but let it pass because it involved too much effort.

Again at the same very precise moment my son decided that he had had enough of mamma lying around uselessly and his little brain-in-a-big-head came up with this unfortunate idea of 1. Jumping on my tummy 2. head banging on the said tummy, to get my attention. Oh the hell...I screamed my head off at the hubster to get this guy off me. Muchos chaos, screaming, shouting, tears, confusion later peace prevailed for like two minutes. Brat that my son is, resumed his head banging again no doubt thinking to himself that 'it hasn't gotten me any spanking,so must be ok to resume'. A very frustrated me begged hubster and son to 'just go awayyyyy, leave me alone'. He asks me 'where?' I say ' just anywhere, go to Al Ain' ( Al Ain- is a neighbouring emirate). I dont know why I said it. Anyhow, this offended hubster because err, Al Ain is famous for it's zoo! He informed brat ,'Yohaan, mama thinks we are fit for the zoo'. Hey, I didnt say that now! Proceeded to drag Yohaan off me which caused more misery ofcourse and I yelled 'oh maaaa'. Apparently, this upset him even more, here's how:

Hubster in a very pensive, hurt mode: 'Am I not a good husband?' Tell me reader, who needs such a question when he/she is sure they are gonna die-soon-of-the-pain? Anyways, I gave him a counter-questioning look. He explains how his mind works. "Well, you are in so much discomfort, why are you calling out to your mom and not to me?'' ''Am I not a comfort to you in times of trouble, we are husband-wife after all?'' I refuse to be drawn in to any kind potentially dangerous topics of inlaws vs inlaws. So I said to him, calmly and with irrefutable logic, ''I am calling out to my mother because you and your son are going to check- in to the Al Ain zoo and a caged husband  wont be of much help in the given circumstances.''

PS- It has taken almost ten days or more to get better. I still limp and have a lingering pain but am atleast mobile now. The wise ole www informs me that such injuries can take upto four-six weeks to be fully gone. I am banned from too much activity and high heels. Needless to add, my excercising is severly limited now a days and high heels? Outta question.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

On Being Lonely- part II

In response to my previous post in which I moaned about being lonely, my sis in Canada i.e. MSIC, sent me a is so encouraging that I am posting an excerpt from it...have left out the private bits ofcourse to protect her privacy...for all the new moms, tired moms, lonely moms, helpless moms and all kinds of moms, this one's for you! Read and be encouraged.

On a seperate note: I think sisters really rock! Everybody must have one! :) Love you are my sunshine girl!

Hi babes,

Read your recent post..I guess you are going through one of those days...I know you will get over it. It would be nice if you could connect with one of the moms and yak till eternity. That's what we moms do here. I know how the demands of our kids can be so draining..I remember feeling that they were like leaches sucking my blood out of me. You have to take some time out for yourself. Trust me no one will do it for you. No one will say.."Oh! you've been with a little guy for the whole day, why don't you go out and have some adult time". You have to go and get it for yourself. No matter how generous you are, but if you are running on "empty", there is no way you can give anything, let alone giving with love. You have to fill yourself up and only then can you give....Writing blogs is fun and cathartic, but you need human interaction, someone your own age, other than your husband. We women need that sisterhood. When you talk about the drudgery of being a mom, only a mom will understand. A dad may say " Oh! you are being so ungrateful, is this how you talk about God's precious gift, blah blah blah". They don't understand that its not that we are ungrateful, we still love and adore those little ones, but we are humans and we get tired.

I also have to tell you as Yohaan gets bigger things will change, ones they start playing on their own, watching a bit of TV etc., will give you some "me time". Every moment of being a mom has been a lavish blessing for me, but when I am tired boy it feels like __________ ( you can fill in the blank)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

On being Lonely

Have you ever experienced lonliness? Ofcourse we all would have, right? At different points  in our lives. For the longest time I have been struggling with loneliness. Even as a little girl, I remember being lonely. Then it got worse during the teens. I am a people's person. I like being out and about , making friends, having someone over for a meal or just visiting a friend. But through my twenties and untill now, lonliness has seeped in to my very being. It sits there, just like that, in my heart. And now it feels quite physical too. Dont mistake it for discontentment though. I am happy with life. I am happy with the choices I have made so far and have no regrets. But this lonliness doesn't leave me alone! I do have some really good friends in different parts of the world. In Dubai, I have a girl friend too. She is close to me, a believer and a lovely human being. But she doesn't touch my soul as a soul mate-girlfriend sorta get me? I adore her. We spend a lot of time together and dont keep secrets. But I am lonely with her too.

Then there is hubster. I am a truly besotted wife/lover. He is my soul mate in the true romantic/mushy kinda way. For quite a while I have been co-dependant. It feels as if I wont be able to even breathe without him. There is this constant longing and that achy-with-love feeling. It makes me feel suffocated actually. So I have prayed about it because to be honest, I dont think he feels it so bad!  I dont know if  my prayer for relief has been answered yet. It is a strange prayer after all. I need to get relief from feeling so intensly about him because it eats me up inside out. I dont want to idolise him. He cannot/must not become my idol. And loving him this way has made me more lonely. Hubster is not a man given to much display of emotions. He does not demand, he just takes his space and blocks out stuff as and when he wants to. Including me. And that hurts, big time. This is when loneliness strikes even in my relationship with him, the love of my life. I cannot reach his depths because he wont let me. That makes me feel oh so lonely.

I thought becoming a mother will change things. It did not! It has gotten worse infact! I find mothering and being a full time mamma a very isolating experience. I must confess, even though I love my baby desperatly, there are times I resent the whole deal. And sadly enough, I dont even know why the resentment. The boredom. The sheer drudgery. The feeling that it is only me he can turn to for his needs is suffocating . I know mommies love being needed. I do too 99% of the times. But the rest of it- exhausts me. Ironically enough, I truly feel and am convinced God enabled my marriage and motherhood to fulfill my need to give love. To live and breathe it over someone. But I hadn't expected it to lead me to even more loneliness. I assumed I would be happy to be generous.

All this leads me to ask, what about me then? What will fulfill me? Who will take away my lonliness? Or what will? I know a decade back before I became a christian, I had a God shaped void in my heart. Then He filled it with himself. WHich has led to a deeply soul satisfying contentment. So then, am I wrong in saying I am lonely? Is loneliness and dis-contentment (with life) the same thing? I am happy but I am it possible? I dont know it yet, but that's exactly how I feel. Have felt it for so long now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Readers

After a lot of angst ridden, careful scrutiny I have come to the conclusion that I have only 3 regular readers and one of them is family! So probably does not even count because sometimes she knows me better than anybody! Yes, that MSIC! :(

*puts her head down and gloomily stares in to space*

These are a few of my UN-favourite things.

Dont we all girls have our pet peeves around the house? I mean chores which you really, really hate doing but know must tackle so that we maintain our sanity? I am so, so, so (see I used 'so' thrice to drive it home) annoyed by the following tasks which recur in my life endlessly:

1. Dusting. Yep. HATE it! To the last dust particle around. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Each day-every day.

2. Scrubbing the cooking range/stove top. Arrrrgh. HATE it. Indian cooking means lot of oil spills. Lots of spice powders flying around everywhere including right in to my nose.

3. Putting the wet clothes out for drying. Despise it. And a new word for hate!!

4. Searching endlessly for hubster's underwear and socks which are like, forever missing. He has so many and I dont understand why...does he need to add to my stress levels. Abominable.

5. Washing dishes which have not been soaked properly by - me-who-else. Then trying to wash off diamond hard food crusts off eg corn flakes, cereals eaten for breakfast and left in the kitchen sink etc.

6. Changing water in the mopping bucket each time, for every room seperately.

There must be a lot more for me but right now I am annoyed just writing about it, so will let it pass. And yes, you can see that I do have an exciting life considering that I am posting stuff about dusting and cleaning , undies and socks for goodness sakes!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Health Update

Well, as resolved by moi a few days ago on this very blog dear readers, I have managed to make some positive changes in my lifestyle. Remember, how I was whining about not wanting to do anything around the house, how lack of motivation was draining me of all enthusiasm to get my house/life in order. Turns out it was all directly related to my food habits in a BIG way! Honestly guys, we really must know how poor eating choices can wreck us! Like totally! (Hubster would cringe at my usage of ''like totally'' here, he thinks it is only used by tacky-teens) Anyhow, it is such a huge relief to diagnose my problems. Simple- it was only because of bad food habits. And lack of water! Imagine!

I started about a week ago and cannot tell you how happy I am with the changes I see in me. My weight, hair,nails, skin, mood-swings....all seem to have improved so much! And I do seem to have a lot more energy for my chores too. But the best thing is ofcourse the weight loss and the improvement in skin tone and texture . I have adult acne sometimes but with the new changes it is gone! Maybe I can be the next Bollywood queen....but wait, how will I have time for that, I am so busy guzzling down water by the litres!! And then peeing! It's like being pregnant again! But I love what it does to my body-all tha water. So folks, you too get going on that! I try and get in at least 4 ltrs every day.

From today I am going to start my excercise regimen. It is not something I am looking forward to, but needs must.